PHOENIX, ARIZONA- Polling of consumers leaving a current blockbuster film reveal that the best part of the movies are, indeed, the concessions.
“But we don’t just mean popcorn and jumbo sodas!” said customer relations director Jack Hughs. “It turns out that the concessions made by viewers are what allow them to enjoy almost any movie that the market produces.”
When asked what kinds of concessions, Mr. Hughs replied, “Oh, there are a wide variety, much like our candy selection.”
- ignoring obvious plot holes
- Junior Mints
- allowing for archetypal characters with little to no development
- excusing poor pacing
- never expecting singers to actually sing
- Mike and Ikes
- being dazzled by painful CGI animation
- extra-butter popcorn
- excusing the cliche and predictable as “heartwarming”
- extra medium diet fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan soda water
- ignoring lazy filming mistakes
- enjoying soundtracks that sound roughly like pop radio
- excusing cultural or historical inaccuracy for the sake of a good story
“We are thinking of expanding our menu to incorporate all of these,” said Mr. Hughs.
95% of those polled, including Local Millennial Kale McBirkenstock, are in favor of this.
“People come to the movies to be entertained, plain and simple,” Miss McBirkenstock said when interviewed. “I mean, I just want to watch something that makes me- like- not even.”
Her boyfriend, Lux Filterton, added, “Yeah, after all, the point of art is to just give you all the feels. Oh, and the more gratuitous violence, sex, and language, the (expletive) better…those are powerful literary techniques, right?”
This poll reveals potentially good news for the film industry, though; the less thought consumers want to put into their viewing experience, the less thought producers need to put into their cinema. As a result, nearly 200 new movies are expected to premiere between January and February alone and, while critics are lamenting the decline of well-crafted storytelling, crowds are applauding what has been described as “spectacle…without all that nasty substance.”