In wake of the Utah senate’s recent move to decriminalize polygamy, production staff for ABC’s hit reality dating show, The Bachelor, are struggling to keep up with Utah’s surprisingly-woke agenda. Reality show blogger, entertainment correspondent, and part-time stalker, Kale McBirkenstock, has confirmed that fans can expect big changes for the show’s upcoming season.
“From what I’ve seen, it’s going to be one heck of a season,” reported Ms. McBirkenstock. “Imagine all of the drama of The Bachelor, but—like—multiplied by a gluten-free baker’s dozen. There will be more roses and more girls than ever; just peering through the window of the mansion during filming made my allergies flare up and my estrogen levels reach a dangerous high.”
It’s certainly an exciting prospect. ABC’s The Bachelor and its companion shows, The Bachelor-But-Like-a-Girl-This-Time and Drunk-Decision Island, are considered by many cultural critics to be the great unifier of the American people.
“Well you know,” said long-time viewer Fanny Applauson, “Monday nights are very special, especially here in Utah.”
Indeed, every Monday, American viewers of all walks of life set aside their differences and gather their friends and loved ones to tune into approximately two hours of what has never once been hailed as “high-stakes competition” and “profound dialogue.”
What else can we expect from this new reality TV experiment? Our readers will surely want to know. When asked, McBirkenstock hastened to assure us that this season will not disappoint: “It’s sure to be yet another ‘most dramatic season in Bachelor history.'”
“Of course, there will be some differences,” McBirkenstock continued to explain. “The wardrobe, for instance, will be as colorful as ever, but with a significant increase in cap-sleeves and cardigans.”
When can we expect to see the premiere of this show? Rumor has it that the first episode of the polygamist Bachelor—officially titled Sister Brides—will air sometime in September, taking the place of Dancing with the Stars because, honestly, who still watches that?
“It’s really an experimental move for ABC,” explained McBirkenstock. “A polygamist dating show is risky since the alpha male could immediately propose to every contestant on the first night and end the season after only one episode. So make sure you’re watching, #BachelorNation!”
Breaking news as progressive peasant, Eustace of Norwich, has bravely come out as the “Royal We.” Eustace is long since deceased, but crews from the BBC just arrived on the scene because they got caught up trying to say “progressive peasant” five times fast. Fortunately, they were able to secure an interview with one of Eustace’s living descendants.
When asked to explain her ancestor’s choice to identify by the pluralis maiestatis rather than traditional commoner pronouns such as “him” or “her,” Tynnifer of Norwich explained, “We did not wish to reduce Ourselves to one gender or one singular person. We felt that ‘We’ better-communicated Our nobility. ”
When informed that her ancestor was a single male peasant, Tynnifer rolled her eyes and replied, “No, We were not. We were royals.”
Historians from the BBC were able to unearth genealogies proving Eustace of Norwich’s short life as one of drudgery and homespun wool (the typical life of a peasant) but Tynnifer of Norwich shook her head in disappointment and remarked, “How very old-fashioned. No, that’s not true at all. We were born a peasant, but We were brave enough to identify as Royal in the face of repression.”
“We always felt that We were more,” she added.
Or rather, We added? They added? Her Majesty added? The reporter, trying very hard to recall the proper grammar, began to quake nervously and asked Tynnifer if she was talking about her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandparent Eustace or herself or whether, perhaps, there might be anyone else with her.
“We are not amused,” said Tynnifer seriously. “We are talking about Us. We are alone. We do not see how that is confusing at all. We think that you need to be more open-minded.”
To avoid accusations of discrimination, the BBC reporter hastily thanked Tynnifer for the interview and hurried home to breathe into a paper bag and recite the rules of grammar over a nonjudgemental cup of tea.
A local young woman’s birthday party took a shocking turn as she announced, in reply to well-wishers’ shouts of “Surprise!” that she was not turning 23 at all, but would rather continue to live her best life as a 22-year-old.
“I just couldn’t see myself as a 23-year-old,” said local artist and birthday-revolutionary Kale McBirkenstock. “You see, I just don’t think I accomplished everything I was meant to do this past year and think maybe continuing on as a 22-year-old is best.”
When asked what exactly she meant to accomplish, Kale replied, “Well, I obviously did a lot of the things on my list… I dressed up like a hipster almost every day and made fun of my ex once or twice, but never once did I have breakfast at midnight or fall in love with a stranger! I mean, what was I doing with all my time?”
Kale later admitted that she’d spent a good deal of summer 2019 binging “Stranger Things” on Netflix and that art school has been taking up most of her time this semester. Still, she was apparently shocked that she had not made the time to also “ditch the whole scene” and “end up dreaming instead of sleeping.”
“It’s just so sad,” said Kale’s best friend, Tynnifer. “She’s such a determined person and still didn’t manage to achieve all her goals…but I think it’ll be alright if she keeps on dancing like she’s 22.”
Another party attendee was not nearly so affirming, stating somberly, “It looks like bad news…” The attendee refused further comment.
When asked whether she was maybe taking her Taylor Swift obsession too far in trying to actually live the lyrics to hit song, “22,” Kale replied seriously, “Who’s Taylor Swift anyway?” and returned to her party of cool kids.
Nearing the middle of October, spooky season is in full swing and Halloween celebrants across the nation are gathering their pumpkins, brooms, and ominous soundtracks in preparation for their night of revelry. Halloween has long been a time of community, of neighbors sharing chili on the front porch, children meeting for trick-or-treating, schools pausing their lessons for costume parades and apple bobbing. In fact, it seems that perhaps even more than Thanksgiving, Halloween has become a means of bringing people together despite their prejudices.
One demographic, however, continues to feel misunderstood and intends to use this Halloween season to make new strides toward social awareness: organists. As Halloween hosts cue up their perfect party playlist, organ music annually finds renewed appreciation. Toccata and Fugue in D minor, “The Phantom of the Opera,” and the Haunted Mansion theme are among the most popular organ pieces sure to make comebacks this Halloween. While some organists are amused by the use of their music for creepy ambiance, others are speaking out against the stereotypes that it represents.
“Organists across the nation have suffered in silence long enough,” says Frank Steinbeck, chapter president of the National Association of Organists. Steinbeck has long been a contender for organist appreciation and intends to utilize the pipe organ’s Halloween spotlight as a platform to speak out.
“Organ stereotypes have hurt too many,” he said in an interview with The Daily Weak, “Just last week, my buddy Paul Stopford was turned down on a date because he was an organist.”
“It’s true,” added Stopford in a follow-up interview. “She said she couldn’t date me because I play the organ— said I was too creepy for her taste.”
When asked if his rejection might have also had to anything to do with the mask and cloak he was wearing (completely veiling his face and person in foreboding mystery) he declined to comment and instead vanished into thin air.
“Too many have suffered,” claims Steinbeck. “And this ends now.” At this, the opening lines of Bach’s Toccata played apparently from nowhere, though Steinbeck did not seem to notice.
Along with his local chapter, Steinbeck is calling organists to speak out against stereotypes and has even gone so far as to organize an awareness march outside of a local costume shop. Footage from the march shows a small mass of organists holding signs bearing slogans such as “Organists are not only swell, they’re great!”
While the march was, unfortunately, shut down by the police due to rowdiness, it did — accidentally — succeed in increasing the number of registered organ donors in the town. Not discouraged, the participants expressed a desire for the press and public to know that they represent a diverse range of backgrounds and are united by their desire to eradicate prejudice against organists.
“Just because lightning flashes with every chord I play doesn’t mean I’m evil,” said long-time church organist and amateur murder mystery writer Rodger Turnpage. “It’s probably just an electrical issue.”
Other organists have added to the conversation, claiming October as “Organist Awareness Month” and sharing their stereotype stories online and on church bulletin boards via the hashtag #organfailure. Tweets such as “We are more than Toccata and Fugue in D minor” are circulating the Twitter world or, at least, they would be if any organists knew about Twitter.
“We just hope that as people listen to our music shuffled in with ‘Monster Mash’ and ‘Ghostbusters’ they will realize that we organists are not monsters; we just want our music to be heard,” concluded Steinbeck.
And with that final, powerful plea, Frank Steinbeck, chapter president and social justice warrior, limped off among the tombstones and into the foggy night, never to be seen again.
*Watch this promotional video by an anonymous local organist and share to help end organist stereotyping! #organfailurenolonger
PHOENIX, ARIZONA- Polling of consumers leaving a current blockbuster film reveal that the best part of the movies are, indeed, the concessions.
“But we don’t just mean popcorn and jumbo sodas!” said customer relations director Jack Hughs. “It turns out that the concessions made by viewers are what allow them to enjoy almost any movie that the market produces.”
When asked what kinds of concessions, Mr. Hughs replied, “Oh, there are a wide variety, much like our candy selection.”
ignoring obvious plot holes
allowing for archetypal characters with little to no development
excusing poor pacing
never expecting singers to actually sing
Mike and Ikes
being dazzled by painful CGI animation
excusing the cliche and predictable as “heartwarming”
extra medium diet fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan soda water
ignoring lazy filming mistakes
enjoying soundtracks that sound roughly like pop radio
excusing cultural or historical inaccuracy for the sake of a good story
“We are thinking of expanding our menu to incorporate all of these,” said Mr. Hughs.
95% of those polled, including Local Millennial Kale McBirkenstock, are in favor of this.
“People come to the movies to be entertained, plain and simple,” Miss McBirkenstock said when interviewed. “I mean, I just want to watch something that makes me- like- not even.”
Her boyfriend, Lux Filterton, added, “Yeah, after all, the point of art is to just give you all the feels. Oh, and the more gratuitous violence, sex, and language, the (expletive) better…those are powerful literary techniques, right?”
This poll reveals potentially good news for the film industry, though; the less thought consumers want to put into their viewing experience, the less thought producers need to put into their cinema. As a result, nearly 200 new movies are expected to premiere between January and February alone and, while critics are lamenting the decline of well-crafted storytelling, crowds are applauding what has been described as “spectacle…without all that nasty substance.”
NEW YORK, NY- Prominent journal and book publishing company formerly known as Weakly Publishers has changed its title to “________ Publishers” in light of their new initiative, the ‘Mad Lib Editions.’
Books and journals formerly published by this company will be reprinted in new, special edition ‘Mad Lib’ format during this holiday season. Or, should we say, this __________ season.
“‘Mad Lib’ format is a new style we are very excited about,” said chief editor Richard Washy. “Basically, the reader is able to make the book or article into whatever they want!”
Mr. Washy went on to explain that this new format is simple in design but sure to thrill readers of all tastes because it has the capability of appealing to all by saying absolutely nothing definite. Any adjective, pronoun, or even name that is potentially off-putting to readers is replaced with a ___________ in which the reader may insert whatever word they would prefer. This allows for a comfortable reading experience, which is perfectly in line with _________ Publisher’s mission statement of “Making the World a __________ Place, One _________ at a Time,” as well as their belief that reading is intended to be, as intern Kale McBirkenstock describes it, “a sort of silent Netflix, but with less thinking.”
Marketing specialists at ____________ Publishers predict that bestsellers of these new releases will include titles such as:
Make America _______ Again
To ________ a Mockingbird
The Origin of ________
and, of course, the highly anticipated second edition of __________
The publishing agency declined to release more titles, but promises that upwards of 50 books will be reprinted as official ‘Mad Lib Titles.’
“I’m really excited about this initiative,” commented a popular paranormal romance author who preferred to remain anonymous. “It could really help the sales of my books to cut some of the actual writing.”
Focus group results are positive as well, with feedback such as:
“Wow! I never knew reading could be so much fun!”
“Wait, it says to insert a noun. What’s a noun?”
“I had no idea that all of the hobbits in the Fellowship of the Ring were female socialists! Wonderful plot twist!”
And, to the delight of Mr. Washy and the board of executives, “I’ve never before felt so comforted by a novel! Who knew that Where the ____ Fern Grows had such an uplifting ending!”
“It is wonderful to hear that already ‘Mad Lib’ books are making reading a pleasant, affirming experience for people of all preferences,” stated Mr. Washy at the close of his interview.
In the spirit of Mad Lib books, it does indeed seem that there is a bright, if indefinite, future for the _____________ of literature at _____________ Publishing.
OCTOBER, 2017: SCOTTSDALE, AZ- As families of children and teens work together to plan their annual Halloween festivities, one family is changing up their traditions, or, rather, continuing those began 500 years ago.
“We don’t celebrate Halloween,” said Mrs. Geneva Knox, mother of four, as she welcomed reporters, sharing both her insights and her gluten-sugar-dairy-and-taste-free porridge snacks.
“No,” added her husband, Mr. William Knox, as he coughed his way through the snacks. “That’s just a terrible day… all about devils and sugar…not healthy spiritually or physically!”
Mrs. Knox nodded in agreement and explained that instead of succumbing to the lure of free candy and unholy costumes, she and Mr. Knox would be starting a new door-to-door tradition with their children. Rather than miss out on the fun of trick-or-treating, the Knox family is reforming this annual romp according to their faith.
“It’s really perfect,” said Mr. Knox. “Everyone is so excited for Halloween, but what they should be excited for is the 500th anniversary of the Protestant Reformation! I mean, why knock on doors asking for candy when you could instead follow the spirit of Martin Luther and nail Theses to doors?”
Instead of dressing in this years’ popular Wonder Woman and Stranger Things costumes, the four Knox children will be donning authentic Benedictine monk habits which they learned to sew themselves during their homeschool history lessons. Properly attired, they will then to go door-to-door to pass out copies of Luther’s 95 Theses, which they translated and hand-wrote during their homeschool penmanship lessons. Should homeowners not answer the door to their knocking, Mr. and Mrs. Knox are planning to supply their children with a sufficient number of thumb tacks and toy hammers so that they may continue to live in the spirit of Luther and attached their Theses to the doors regardless.
“We would not want to leave any houses out just because they don’t answer!” explained Mrs. Knox.
However, those who do answer are in for a special surprise; not only will they receive their own copy of Luther’s 95 Theses, they will also be treated to a rousing a cappella rendition of “A Mighty Fortress is Our God” sung by the four children.
“I’m excited to sing,” said Grace-Alone, the youngest Knox daughter, “but I must confess I miss getting candy…”
Grace was quickly nudged into silence by her twin sister Faith and handed a consolatory cheese curd by her brother Zwingli.
“Yes, I know it is hard for the children to pass up on candy when everyone else is eating it,” acknowledged Mr. Knox, “but we, like Luther, do not believe in indulgences.”
When asked whether they were excited to go door-to-door on Reformation Day, the Knox children had mixed responses. Grace still mourned her forgone candy, but brothers Zwingli, age 12, and Calvin, age 15, were enthusiastic about their endeavor.
“I’m willing to give it a try,” said Zwingli. “It could be fun!”
“Yeah,” agreed Calvin, “With our costumes and handwritten copies, we will be irresistible!”
The Knox family is hoping to promote their idea as a safe and spiritual alternative for Protestant fun this Halloween. Perhaps they will start a trend amongst likeminded families, themselves serving to reform traditions and continue those began 500 years ago.
“Whether it works is not the focus,” concluded Mr. Knox, “as we feel we are fully justified in this endeavor.”
Tens of students at a local college are suffering from varying degrees of starvation as the school dining service recently decided to cut pizza from its daily meal offerings.
“I just don’t know what else to do,” sobbed one student, his stomach growling in agreement. “I mean, what am I supposed to do? I’ve been living off of French fries and this weird greenish stuff for the past week!”
Upon further investigation, it was found that the “weird greenish stuff” was kale from the cafeteria’s salad bar.
“We are just trying to promote healthy eating,” explained the head chef. “We felt that contantly offering pizza was not encouraging a good -”
At this point, the chef was abruptly cut off as a mob of hangry (a term meaning both hungry and angry) students tackled him, chanting “Pizza! Piece of pizza! Peace for pizza!”
Tackling the chef was not exactly “peace for pizza” but it was one example of the intense activism that is cropping up throughout the student body in light of what is being called “The Great Pizza Famine of 2017.”
“I don’t know, man,” said one student. “2016 was bad enough, so we had high hopes for this year…but this…this is too awful.”
Tweets by upset students such as “Make our cafeteria great again! Bring pizza back! 😖 #ThanksTrump” and “Give us this day our daily pizza!” are becoming a norm.
Time will tell if the school dining coordinators will cave to the demands of their students. In the meantime, the number of students who have succumbed to starvation in the absence of their daily pizza is steadily rising.
In the meantime, YOU can help! One concerned and wealthy community member has started a charity to ease the pain of the crisis! Simply text 555-555-PIZZA to donate 4.5 slices of pepperoni to hungry college students.
Friday, February 24, 2017: A family of four awoke to the terrible realization that what they thought was a luxury resort was actually a university.
“When we did not receive a wake up call for our yoga class, we knew something was wrong,” said Açai McBirkenstock, wife of Chase McBirkenstock and mother to daughters Kale (19) and Chia (21).
Upon further investigation, the family found that what they had taken for a concierge was- in fact- the resident advisor of the dormitory they had mistaken for an inn and suites.
“How were we to know?” moaned young Chia. “After all, they had everything we wanted in a resort.”
Miss McBirkenstock and her family perhaps had reason for their mistake. The school, in attempts to live up to their mission statement of “#AmenitiesNotAnxieties,” had all but done away with potential causes of discomfort and stress.
“We wanted to create an atmosphere of ease,” said the school’s dean of admissions. “After all, that’s how it is in the real world and it is our duty as an educational institution to prepare our students for this world.”
The school has taken active steps to promote their goal, as the McBirkenstocks discovered firsthand.
“They had everything you could ever want in a resort,” sighed Açai. “Oil tastings, made-to-order food, hammock rentals, housekeeping…even our dog Princess was welcomed and treated like a queen!”
“Truly a wonderful place,” agreed Mr. McBirkenstock. “It’s really too bad it ended up being just another educational institution.”
Although the McBirkenstocks had to cut their vacation short, students at the university are sure to continue to enjoying their stays and the administration promises to “never rest until their students can only rest.”
Frustrations are on the rise at one California university as students and completely unrelated activists alike fight to end a perceived attack on student choice. The Second University of California has long held to its liberal values; it is a place known for its lack of enforcement of all antiquated ideologies, which administrators boast promotes a distinctly amoral and anarchist atmosphere that no private school would be able to match.
“We pride ourselves on having absolutely no convictions,” says the dean of admissions, who has opted not to be identified by any formal name, title, or pronoun. “By not taking sides on any issue, we don’t offend anybody. And that is the goal of a higher education, after all, to avoid offending students as they learn to live their lives.”
But, one student in particular says that this is not the case. Maryn Blue, junior Biblical studies major at SU of C, is stepping up and speaking out against the only thing that this school stands for and has stood for throughout the past century.
“It’s ridiculous,” says Maryn emphatically. “They say they don’t want to offend anybody, but it’s just not true! I’m here and I’m offended!”
When asked what exactly she found so offensive about her college, Maryn said simply one made-up word:
While SU of C claims to be completely free of all institutions and ideologies that might cause offense to anyone, everyone, and their dogs (SU of C is also known for its animal inclusion program and is currently the only school where a chimpanzee not only was admitted but graduated magna cum laude with a degree in philosophy. It is speculated that this brainy primate might have had a paw in writing the school’s “Suggestions of Conduct,” a document which gives vague and optional guidelines for student behavior and can be signed or amended by any student if they are so inclined.)
However, despite SU of C’s striving for total affirmation of all things, Maryn is not alone in feeling oppressed by what she considers to be rampant conservaphobia. She, along with a small but loud group of like-minded students called the “Morality Underground” is taking aggressive measures to force the school to change in order to accommodate them.
“Yeah,” said Maryn with a defiant shrug, “I probably could have looked into the school’s lack of policies before I came, or maybe read their pamphlets before applying, but why should it be my responsibility to be informed about the college I attend? That’s a lot to ask of a 23-year old.”
When asked to elaborate on ‘conservaphobia,’ Maryn explained, “SU of C is a wonderful place. I love this place so much. It has sidewalks and benches and coffee and really good breakfast burritos. I cannot really stress how much I love this place.”
After waiting a few more minutes for Maryn to finish her professions of love for SU of C, she continued to complain about how cruel the school has been to her and how unhappy she has been there.
“I’m a Biblical studies major,” declares Maryn. “But you know what upsets me? My academic advisor keeps telling me that SU of C does not have a Biblical studies degree program because it’s a secular university. That is really an injustice! It’s conservaphobia, plain and simple, that they won’t hire professors or offer courses for my chosen field of study! I mean, just because a school is secular does not excuse it from having to promote subjects that contradict its values, right? ”
Maryn did not wait long before answering her own question.
“Right! I’m absolutely right and when the school tries to tell me I’m not, it really hurts my feelings, which, if I am not mistaken is against SU of C’s only value: that of non-offense.”
There are numerous private universities across the United States that hold to the same values that Maryn posts about on her Tumblr. It is reasonable to assume that such schools would have welcomed Maryn and Co. with open arms and financial aid, but when asked why she did not just choose to attend a school that aligned with her values rather than “hateful conservaphobia,” Maryn rolled her eyes and answered:
“Here’s the thing. Who’s usually paying for college? The parents. So who gets the biggest say in where a kid goes to college? That’s right. The parents.”
She went on to explain that her parents could not afford to send her to a private university and that even if they could, they were adamantly against the strict morals of such places.
“They wanted me to be a woman of the world, but that just wasn’t me. So here I am, trying to be myself in this place where I do not feel that it is appreciated. When I am told I can live in whichever dorm I want, am given vegan options at every meal, and am taught amoral subjects such as math, I feel the the weight of my trial. I have drafted a series of demands. If the school does not immediately cater to these whims, my friends and I are prepared to sue for damages.”
Already, over 93 individuals of the 80,000 that make up the SU of C student body, have signed this petition. Of these, nearly 17% have acknowledged reading the document and claim to possess a general idea of its contents.
“Yeah, I read it,” said Kale McBirkenstocks, super-senior undecided major. “I oppose phobias of all kinds and it would have been against my clinically-diagnosed phobia-phobia to not sign this petition.”
Maryn is confident her support can only grow from here.
“I think most people will come to agree that forcing a secular school to adopt religious moral policies is not unreasonable,” she concluded. “Besides, everyone will certainly agree that the government’s hard-earned money should not be used to fund education that promotes ‘conservaphobia’ rather than traditional, virtuous learning.”
Maryn is hopeful that she will be able to gather the external support necessary to pressure SC of U into complying with her goals. And, despite never truly defining ‘conservaphobia’ or proving how it violates her rights, Maryn is insistent that it is “a newfangled notion that can be overcome with greater activism.”