Los Angeles, June 2021 (because that tends to be where this sort of thing happens)
In a moment of laudable boldness, Pride has left its longtime association with the deadly sins and has, instead, announced his real identity as a fruit of the Spirit.
“As you know,” said Pride in a recent interview for The Daily Week, “I lived so long as a vice. I really started to feel comfortable with Sloth and Gluttony and all the rest. They’re alright when you get used to them but, aside from Lust, not many people openly admire them. That was really hard for me, you know? And I always felt that I was different, that I was better than all that. Over the centuries, I came to realize: I stood out as vice because I’m actually a virtue.”
When questioned as to why he decided to identify not merely as a virtue but as a fruit of the Spirit, Pride appeared offended.
“Well, all the best virtues are listed as spiritual fruit,” he said. “And I’m clearly one of—if not the—best.”
“Would it would be difficult to join the fruit of the Spirit due to long-time rivalry with Humility?” one reported asked. Pride generously corrected her, assuring The Daily Week that this would not pose a problem at all:
“Humility isn’t even listed in Galatians as a fruit,” stated Pride. “I guess she just didn’t have it in her to become one of the really great virtues. After all, nobody celebrates ‘Humility Month,’ now, do they?”
Further questions proved, ironically, unfruitful.
“I am what I am,” said Pride. “I don’t owe you any further explanation.”